Never Alone
Dearest You,
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be alone. I think of being lonely, the angry words “leave me alone”, the lonely duckling…wait that’s ugly duckling. Anyways, I always attributed being alone with loneliness. But, lately, I am very alone yet not lonely.
I’m in a moving and transiting period where I’m living with family and I’m without my partner. So, I’ve been thinking about how one might want to be alone when they live in a family home. How I am alone with out my partner. And, why I do not feel so lonely.
As a 31 year old human woman, I moved away from my home-town at 18 and never really moved back. I painfully learned how to be live alone, make choices alone, and be independent….a tricky but awesome reward for those recovering people-pleasers, like me. But, right now I am living with family. I have only a bedroom where I can be alone. I feel perfectly comfortable all over the house and with my family members, but I am only really alone in my sweet, little, bedroom. This is very weird when I used to have an entire house of my own design in which I could be alone in many different rooms and spaces. Only being able to be alone in my sweet, little, bedroom okay because my family unit is so supportive and creates spaces for relaxation in every room of the family home. But, logistically, my alone spaces are limited. This is not bad or something that needs to be fixed…it’s just a fact of family-unit-living. So, I’ve become aware of how often choose to go into my bedroom. It’s a lot! wasn’t I suppose to be an extrovert???
I am also doing life alone, because I am without my partner. This is hard. It’s endless time WITHOUT when I chose WITH. It’s constant aloneness when he and I planned togetherness. As a 31 year old human woman, I chose this man to DO LIFE WITH. But, at the moment, I just have me. This means that all my thoughts, moment-to-moment, are just mine. The extrovert in me in not able to talk things out every night before bed. Despite being never alone in my family home…I am very much alone without my partner. When we do have togetherness it is on the phone…which is very much not the same as DOING LIFE TOGETHER. Our togetherness becomes more intentional on the phone and the updates/thoughts/sharing comes in buckets rather than in a gentle and sweet drizzle all day.
These two opposing situations of alone and not alone oddly, do not make me feel lonely. I think it’s because I like myself. I see the purpose in the transition time. I understand that I can be both independent and loved. That is beautiful. Being alone isn’t ugly or sad…it’s joy in the knowledge that I trust and like myself.
I think that being alone becomes loneliness (and loneliness becomes scary) because we assume it will be a result of being rejected - rejected from some important circle/group/family. Choosing and enjoying alone-ness is not a rejection but, instead, a radical acceptance that we can fill our own needs. The idea that we can meet our own needs EVEN in a family unit, in a partnership, or other life-scenario is seriously blowing my mind.
“Alone” is okay with me. I think it makes me a better person, for myself, and the people around me.
With Love, From Me
D