It’s Not Me, It’s You
Dearest You,
I was walking the dog this morning and received the suburban version of “Ew, David” from a fellow human driving by. Let me set the scene for you. My dog is a very special dog. He is incredibly anxious about dogs and men so we sometims wear a muzzle in public. This is not because he is some untamed beast but because I do not trust the rest of society. Society seems to believe that all dogs are stuffed animals put on this earth for their cuddle consumption. Even with a “please do not touch” bandana, I’ve had people approach us for petting therapy. Very annoying. Anyways, occasionally, we get a funny look about the muzzle but nine times out of ten people think Jasper is adorable, well behaved, and are impressed with how calm and obedient he is public. I even go out of my way to be extra friendly to people we pass so THEY feel more comfortable around MY dog who really couldn’t care less about us….unless you try to collapse on the floor and hug him.
All of this explanation about Jaspy is to simply say that I am extra aware of people’s reactions to him and work hard to keep everyone calm and comfortable…the humans and the dog.
So, I’m walking the dog this morning and a car drives by. I smile and lift my hand in a wave. Then some puffy, curly, tiny, dog, leaps to the window and effectively LOOSES their TINY mind at Jasper. Jasper crosses my path to go to towards the car and bark back! Bark. Back. Because tiny dog started it!!!
I automatically smile and give a kindly apologetic hand-wavey-gesture. Deep in my mind I’m going “AHA, other dogs act socially psycho too sometimes…it’s not just my dog. “ But as this fellow human drives past me I could finally see their face in the, previously glare hidden, windshield. Their face was not surprised, apologetic, or placid. Their brow was furrowed down yet somehow not squishing too big, glaring, eyes. Their nose was wrinkled up and yet their mouth was open and down in a gaping frown.
I was pissed.
How dare you scowl at my normally adorable, well behaved, calm, and obedient dog! Yours started it! Your dog. Not mine. His muzzle is irrelevant because your dog is an ass.
I stared at this woman with a confused face and let my own feelings pass. Whatever, no matter what I do people look at Jasper like he’s a problem. Whatever, my face was frozen kind of weird too…I wonder what she thought of me. Whatever, what if she totally missed my smile and happy-wave and then also missed my apologetic-wave! What if it doesn’t matter because I’ll, literally, never know.
The things is it doesn’t matter. My perception of her face is irrelevant because her face isn’t about me…its about her. And, maybe she wasn’t even unhappy at all. So often, us empathy people pleasers use anger to jumpstart justice in our mind. It’s easy to be mad at everyone flinging their emotions around when we’re just over here trying to control the emotional weather of the world! We only do this for fear of things becoming stormy and someone blaming us for casting the first rumble of thunder.
It’s not me, it’s her. And, I state that with love. My perception of her face is irrelevant. It’s her face, not mine.
Tomorrow, I’ll walk the dog and lovingly pass all neighbor-humans with a face that says “ It’s not me, it’s you, and it’s not you, it’s me". I’ll be practicing this in the mirror tonight and processing how it’s not my job to manage other’s emotional weather.
With Love, From Me
D