Potentially, Goodnight
Dearest You,
Lately, I’ve been staying with family and it has been SUCH a change from my regular , independent, adult life. First of all, they are amazing, I have no notes for improvement, my family rocks. But, there’s this one thing that totally baffles me. It is completely confusing. I am supremely stupified. This thing is so foreign.
THEY REST.
“Dianna, why are you baffled?” you might ask. I will tell you. Right now.
My entire existence, professionally and personally is centered around service. How can I be useful? How can I help? What can I help this person manage? What if they need me? Where can I look next to aid and support? What should I do, or not do, to be totally available. (Cue, anyone who wants to giggle at my business “Motionally Available”! Don’t worry that kind of available is about being available to your own needs/potential/wellness/gifts/etc, but clearly service and availability is a HOT topic in my world.)
Glennon Doyle has a beautiful section in her book, “Untamed”, where she’s looking at her family member resting and thinking “Must be nice!”. As in, must be nice to not care about all the crap we have to do! And, as slowly repeats this “must be nice” statement until it’s not filled with anger but filled with a deep longing for her own rest. Go listen to the book on audio!
I feel Glennon’s words so deeply because I too know it’s like to perceive that I must fill my plate to the brim. Maybe I even need to get a bigger plate! Maybe I should definitely be carrying TWO plates. Do feel this, deeply? I do. It comes down to issue’s of worth and shame and the business-for-protection-against-what-lies-in-our-own-head crap that plagues so many of us. it certainly plagues me.
The part of my family that I grew up with was a big family! Four wild kids, a Superhero Mom, something like a Step-Dad, and a dog. That kind of big kid-heavy household was, of course, busy. It’s the nature of BIG families. And, as the oldest child (who is also an extrovert, empath, HSP, people pleaser) I thrived in role of Big Sister. I surfed the waves of kiddy-chaos trying to be very useful, all of the time. My family may have different remembrances of Big Sister spotlight role.
In my adulthood, I continued to pump my life (and plate) full of crap to continue the high voltage world of business. I then got a job and another job and another job. People marveled at my energy. But, I was filled with deep longing for my own rest.
BAM…lots happens, life change. Now, I’m staying with my Dad, my second Mom, and my gorgeous 8 year old sister. They’re busy too! But, they also rest. Weird.
Now, I want to pause and be clear that rest is in many ways a privilege. The pressure of big families, tough financial situations, crazy circumstances, unique goals - often prevent rest. Sometimes you gotta just get it done. So, if you’re not resting….don’t get down on yourself. Just make some space to relieve a little pressure where you can. Little by little, if you can, prioritize not picking up one more thing for your plate…thing might just get better. We can talk about this another time - because it’s really important.
Due to my current circumstances I have LOTS of rest time. And, I’m in a home where humans have the time and space to rest. They rest. I’ve seen my Dad fall asleep on the couch. The other day I look out the window and see my sister LAYING on the deck like a 100 year old sage in savasana. My other Mom, occasionally, just sits on the couch and plays on her phone. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.
And, just now, my Dad said he was off to check on sister and other Mom who were reading in bed. He came over to me and said “Goodnight! Potentially, goodnight. I might fall asleep.”
I’ve never even napped…let alone accidentally fallen asleep while reading.
This shows me that it’s okay to rest, pause or stop the day, and even to sleep. This shows me that maybe carrying three plates filled with crap, and wondering who/what/where I can serve next is NOT that important.
Maybe I’m important…potentially.
With Love, From Me
D